What was said? What did that mean? What was heard?
Everyone one of us has three recorders (aka ego states) that have been taping since we were born. We have a parent, an adult and a child. These recorders were starting and stopping at different times throughout lives. It affects how you interact with your team to this day.
I spent half of my life saying I would never raise my kids as my parents raised me. Not because they did a bad job, but because they had rules that I didn’t appreciate. I didn't want to be home at a certain time, I wanted to do what I wanted to and I would say to myself, "When I have kids, I will never do that to them." Well, I've got three kids now and I'm doing the exact same things to my kids that my parents did to me. Why? Because I'm a product of my parents. So, I listened and stored that information and those rules and now I'm repeating phrases that my father said to me that I haven't heard out loud for 30 years. But they fly out as if heard it yesterday. Why? Because when I need to communicate to my kids, I go back into my mental data bank and spit out what I heard all those years ago. I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I’m turning into my dad!
Let's talk about it. Parent. There are two types of parent tapes going on, which stopped recording when you were about 5 or 6. You have critical parent and nurturing parent. Critical parent says, "You shouldn't do this, you won't do that." We talk this way when we're impatient. We talk this way when we judge others. "I've told you 100 times not to do that". This critical parent does not belong in your management style. Nurturing parent however, does belong in your management style. Ideally 70% of your management style should be from your nurturing parent. That's where you're soothing, where you're giving people compliments, you're looking for the good, you're making it a safe environment for them to share.
What about the child? No part of your selling or management style should be from your child. The child in you is your emotion, it's the joker, it's the person that is determining how you felt as a kid when the rules were set on you. "Hey, you will be home at 12:00," "I don't want to be home at 12:00”. There are two main types of child, rebellious child and adaptive child. Both are bad news in management and sales. Your rebellious child rebels against rules. So, when a critical parent, which automatically hooks rebellious child, says, "You will do that!" The little kid inside you pops up and says, "What, not me, I'm not doing that,". The fact is, when you let your rebellious child do the talking, nothing good comes of it.
Here's adaptive child. Adaptive child changes the way that they think like the wind. Not because they believe what you’re trying to do or achieve, but because they want your love. When prospects ask for things that you know you shouldn't be doing, the adaptive child complies because they want to be liked. So, no part of management or sales should be in child.
Finally, adult. 30% of your management style should come from your adult. It's got a couple purposes. One, updating old scripts. I’ve had to update my parent script. My parents told me not to talk to strangers, but I'm in sales, I've got to talk to every stranger. They told me not to talk about money, but I've got to talk about money, I'm in sales. So, it's my parent tape that says, "Chris, it's okay now to talk about money and it's okay to talk to strangers," so I've updated that.
The adult reduces the amount of mental rubbish going on. It's the logical part of you. It's the analytical part of you. We need 30% of our management style to come from our adult.
The bottom line is, you have to understand which tape is talking when you talk to your sales team. But also watch your salespeople, what are they doing? Are they hooking you with their rebellious child by saying, "I'm not filling out forms in the CRM" for you to respond with your angry critical parent? Sit back, take a deep breath, saying, "Who just talked to me, was that the parent, was that the adult or was that the child? And how am I going to respond?"
If you can develop a habit where you take the time to make a deliberate decision about how you communicate, your effectiveness as a leader will improve dramatically. Good luck.
The Parent Adult Child ego states are components of Transactional Analysis by Dr Eric Berne. Transactional analysis (TA) is a widely recognised form of modern psychology that involves a set of practical conceptual tools designed to promote personal growth and change. It is considered a fundamental therapy for well-being and for helping individuals to reach their full potential in all aspects of life.
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